Gosh! It's been a while! Hey all! So sorry about the gap! I've been busy and life has been crazy and ... yeah. No excuses. Sorry!
So for this very late, very overdue post, I wanted to share two things I wrote eons (and by that I mean about a year!) ago.
One is a story that kinda illustrates what me and my family have been through. The other is a poem I wrote while we were going through all the crap. I felt lead to share them tonight as I sit in my new home, in a new town, in a new state! God has done so much in my life and when I wrote these things, I had no idea how much I’d grow and change thanks to it. It doesn’t make what happened easier, it doesn’t make the pain go away completely. But I think being able to publicly share these writings with you all shows that God is healing me.
So … without further ado, here is my short story which is entitled Where He Leads.
(Also I’m sorry for typos! I wrote this a while ago and haven’t really edited it!)
I stood in the back of the crowd of angry people, watching the degrading, hateful words they were throwing at my father.
How could they? How? These people, who had onced loved him and cared about him? How could they stoop so low? He was the leader of the community. The one responsible to the king! If the village failed to produce what they were supposed to, the king would come and demand payment. Payment none in the village could ever pay.
And it would be my father who was responsible.
The other members of the village, the ones who helped my father, stalked to the podium,
“What do you say James? Is this true? Have you yelled at the dear, hardworking farmers who slaved so hard to bring the crop in for the king?” David, the second in command, glared at my father, hatred and fear in in his eyes.
“I did.” My father answered calmly, “They was spreading lies about me and my family. I will not stand by and allow my family to suffer at the hands of others. You, above all else, should appreciate this David.”
David’ s face turned beet red, “Why are we even having this talk?” He bit out, “It is clear you are guilty of the charges the farmers brought before us.”
“Am I?” My father’s face looked pained and hurt, “I was hoping that after all we have been through, David, after everything that has happened in this village, that you would trust my word and know I had been sorely provoked. I agree, losing my temper was not he correct response. I have since asked the farmers to forgive me. Is there still reason to take my home, my position and my livelihood from me? Simply because of a misunderstanding?”
I felt myself bit my lip. My friend’s were standing at the foot of the podium. They were part of the families accusing my father. How could they? Why do people we trust turn on us when we feel the safest? It had happened once before to me. And I fell into the trap every time.
Please Dear Father in Heaven. Help me to trust you and you alone. Why is it so easy to trust people - men who are so faulty and deceitful - and not the Creator of the Stars?
I felt someone grab my hand. Looking up, I saw Peter, our farm hand. His face looked concerned.
“Are you alright, m’lady?” He always called me that, even though I had asked him so many times that I was just Rachel. We were friends after all.
“No, Peter. I am so hurt and scared. Can I trust anyone?” I felt tears as the crowd got louder and the hateful thing shouted at my father worsened.
“I’m taking you home. You aren’t safe here.” Grabbing my arm, he propelled me away from the hate and anger. His other arm slipped around my shoulder as he carefully maneuvered me to my house.
It felt like so long. So very long...we waited and waited for my father and brother to return. I cried, then sat in moody silence and then cried again. Peter, my childhood friend. He held me when I cried and then just sat next to me in the silence. He never pushed never prodded, just sat and let me be. I was so thankful. so thankful for a friend to lean on. A friend who, no matter how rough the going got or was going to get, trusted me and trusted my father enough to risk everything to be with us.
“Thank you Peter.” I whispered as evening turned into night. The stars started to blink in the sky and the torchlight of the crowd got brighter and the voices drifted on the breeze.
“What for?” He whispered back, a small smile teasing his cheeks.
I couldn’t help myself. I scooted next to him and leaned my head against his shoulder. My breathing was shaky, I was trying desperately not to cry. “For just sitting there when I didn’t want to talk. For holding my hand when I cried. For not pushing for what was bothering me. For just...being there.”
His arms slipped around me and he pulled me to him. “It is just fine, m’lady.”
“Rachel,” I gently reminded.
“Rachel,” His voice was a cascade of emotion. I wanted this. I had wanted this since we were young. We had always been the perfect team. In the fields, in the house, we were a team, ever since Peter had started working for us five years ago. “Oh, Rachel! I have no right. Your father is a respected leader. He-”
“He isn't any more.” My father and brother, Richard, walked into the room. Peter pushed me back, away from him and his embrace. I missed it already.
“Father? Richard? What happened?” I felt a knot form in my gut. This was so wrong, so very wrong!
“I was asked to hand my position over to David and to leave the village. For good.”
“Oh, Father!” I couldn't cry. I couldn't show him how painful this was for me. I had lived here for seventeen years! This was my home! How could I up and leave? Going into the great unknown?
“And what if you don’t sir?” Peter asked from behind me.
“They we will be handed over to the people, for them to decide what will become of us.” Richard answered, running hands through his hair. “We have no choice, Peter. We have to leave. Rachel, my father and I will be packed up and out of here within the week.”
“I am coming to.” Peter’s quiet voice was determined.
“We can’t ask this of you Peter. Your family is here and you future.” My father placed his firm hand on Peter’s shoulder, “We aren't asking this of you.” he repeated.
“What if I want this sir?” Peter looked my father in the eye.
“Then...welcome?” A small smile broke on my father’s face. “You have long been part of this family. A brother to Richard and son to me.” My father’s eyes found mine and a smile twinkled in them, “And to someone else...much more I believe.”
I smile then, tears streaming in two trials. When Peter looked at me I thought I would melt into a puddle on the floor. Yes, of course my father knew. He was a great listener and watcher. He had picked up on the ways I looked at Peter. The way I smiled when ever he was near.
“I wish it could be different though. I wish we could stay.”
“The Lord has a plan, Rachel.” Richard placed his hand on my shoulder., “We must simply trust him in everything.”
“Indeed,” Peter nodded, “This is the start of the grand adventure.”
“A grand adventure,” I nodded. I had my family and my one, true friend. Life wasn't great, but at least we had each other.
The Lord would be our safe haven, the one who helped us through all the trails that laid ahead. I simply had to trust in him.
♦♦♦
I sling my pack over my shoulder. The guards of the village stand right outside our door, waiting to escort us to the edge of the village.
“Are you ready to good, m'lady?” Peter sticks his head around the door.
“Yes.” I smile up at him and he returns it. Is this love? I'm not sure, but I believe it might some day grow into that.
I walk down the stairs and we meet my father and Richard at the bottom.
“It is time to go. An adventure awaits!” My brother smiles. He seems overly happy about leaving our home, but I know he is trying to simply boost our spirits. We walk out and ten burly guards surround us. We move as one; people jeer and holler around them causing me to cringe. Soon we reach the outskirts of the village.
“I am sorry, my lord.” One of the guards bows at my father, “I wish things we different. You are truly a great leader and we will miss you.”
“Thank you Jethro. I shall miss you all as well.”
“Where will you go?'” Jethro asks.
“I will go where my King leads.”
Jethro nods, but I can tell he misunderstands my father. My father is talking about the Lord our God. He will follow where He leads. We will follow where He leads.
And only him.
As we reach the crest, I turn to look back. My home, the only life I've ever known was there.
“Home is behind. Our new home...that’s ahead.”
Peter takes my hand and we walk into a new life. Together. God would help us and together with him, we would prevail against all odds.
And here is my poem Artificial Smile. I want to give some background on this poem. When I wrote it, I’d just come home from a very long, very stressful night at church. I was done trying to pretend everything was peachy and happy. I wrote this to deal with my anger.
You see it every Sunday,
That smile on my face,
But do you see the heart of it?
In my eyes, the empty space?
I go through all the motions,
I smile and I wave,
But like every actor on the stage,
It's easy once you know the play.
Somehow I want you to see it,
To guess at my artificialness,
And see deep within my heart,
The deep hidden angriness.
The anger that's inside me,
Is because of people like you,
I wouldn't have to be artificial,
If I simply could trust you.
But the sad truth is I can't
It really is as simple as that,
Because what little mouse,
Trusts a raging cat?
I've had my heart mauled before,
And so I hug it in tight,
And I smile artificially,
So you think that I'm alright
So I wear an artificial smile,
I simply smile and I wave,
And I fear I always will,
Till someone sees through my masquerade.
So … I guess that’s it! God’s brought me through so much. It’s so cool to now see how my past is helping others. I worked out at Camp Summit here in Illinois. It’s a camp for inner city children. It was amazing to be able to share my story with these girls and have them listen, ask questions and maybe learn something. It was an incredible experience I wouldn’t trade my week as a CIT (Counselor in Training) for anything!
God can use the good and the bad to change you. It may be hard now, but know that ultimately God will use it for your good and His glory!
